If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
