That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
