if only i could text you this smell
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
