Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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