i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
