I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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