Have you finally orgasmed yet?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
