At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
