Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
