the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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