Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
