omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
