If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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