OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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