I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
ok first of all what the fuck
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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