i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
