My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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