he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
