Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
