it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
