I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
