Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
