Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
