I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
