Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
