Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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