we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
