Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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