It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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