my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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