got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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