So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
