The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
