We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
