im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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