So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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