Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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