So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Found your dick twin last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
