With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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