She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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