I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
