I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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