You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
