I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
why is half of my head shaved?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
