I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
