Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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