A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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