Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
