After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize