Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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