Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I deserve this hangover.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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