forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
