Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
