Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
two words...techno handjob
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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