I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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