i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
