Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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