Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
